


The Way Its Supposed To Feel

by dykemoons



Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, Runaways (Comics)
Genre: Canon Lesbian Relationship, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2020-09-30 11:27:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20446388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dykemoons/pseuds/dykemoons
Summary: Nico considers the differences between her current relationship and all her previous relationships.





	The Way Its Supposed To Feel

**Author's Note:**

> I've been thinking a lot about the way Nico's relationships pre-Karolina all felt very reactionary, like it was something she fell into as a way of coping with stress/trauma, and how different it would be now that she's with Karolina. I'm not sure how well it came across, but this is me trying to write a bit about that.
> 
> Wasn't sure how to tag this, so: sex is mentioned/discussed, but is in no way explicit.

Nico had spent a lot of time thinking about her previous relationships and why they had never made her feel happy like she thought they were supposed to. She started to wonder if it was because she hadn’t truly wanted to be with the people she had been with before.

Not that she hadn’t willingly chosen to be with them, just that, looking back, Nico questioned her motives for jumping into relationships (or into bed) with boys she hadn’t felt particularly strongly about before. 

Alex hadn’t been anything to her before, just another one of the kids of her parents’ friends that she was forced to hang out with once a year. Then she saw her parents murder an innocent girl, and she felt so lost without them to trust anymore. But there was Alex, taking charge trying to keep them alive. She depended on Alex, she felt safe near him, so it made sense that she could have feelings for him, that she should have feelings for him. And it certainly hurt like hell when he betrayed them, but not quite like she thought a romantic betrayal should, more like her parents betrayal all over again.

And Chase? Nico could barely stand Chase on a good day. But with the way her soul felt ripped apart by Karolina leaving, she still found herself trying to kiss him. It was insanely stupid, but it had seemed like a way to feel better in the moment. Of course, it only made things worse since she then felt guilty and couldn’t look Gert in the eye.

She didn’t entirely remember the exact details of how Victor had happened, not that she wanted to remember anything about that night. There certainly hadn’t been any romantic build up before hand. She liked Victor just fine, but she had never imagined anything more between them. Then Gert died, and Nico wanted desperately to feel anything other than the horrible loss and gut wrenching guilt she felt. 

So she slept with Victor. When it was over, she felt gross and exposed and hated herself even more than before. But it was a functional way to bury her tumultuous emotions to focus on that feeling, so it happened again, and again, and a few more agains. They were together, kind of, sort of. They never knew how to talk to each other, or what they were supposed to do. She was grateful to not be alone during that time, but she was almost relieved when Victor tried to trade her in for a hundred year old redhead. Even when it was happening, Nico didn’t like the way she almost instinctively initiated sex to distract herself when her fears and regrets started screaming too loud in her brain. She didn’t know what else to do, but she knew this couldn’t be healthy. Better to try and cope alone instead of latching onto someone else to take it out on. 

She stayed away from relationships or sex with anyone, until Alex came back into her life. By that point, she had been kidnapped, murdered, dismembered, resurrected, took part in a group murder, and been recruited to join an Evil League of Evil, and she was way past caring about what was healthy. Nico hated herself more than ever before and could barely stand to keep existing, so why not sleep with the one person she hated most to numb herself from everything? Finally, on the other side of that dark time, Nico found her way back to Karolina.

Karolina was different than anyone before. She hadn’t gotten with Karolina while in life threatening peril, or crawled into bed with her to try and forget her feelings. For the first time, Nico was trying to accept her feelings, and her feelings led her directly to Karolina. Karolina was who she really wanted to be with. The person who she cared for most in the world, who she wanted to spend all her time with, who made her feel like she was home. Nico was no longer trying to avoid being sad, she was trying to be happy, and Karolina made her so happy.

When Nico kissed Karolina, it wasn’t because she thought she was supposed to, or that she needed a boy to make her happy or keep her safe. Nico kissed Karolina because it made her feel happy, because it felt like the most natural thing in the world. When Nico slept with Karolina, it wasn’t to distract herself from her pain. Nico slept with Karolina because she wanted to, because it was fun, because it was a beautiful and intimate experience to share with the girl she loved. She no longer felt shameful or gross or the need to hide after sex, she just felt loved and seen and known in the best way.

“Oh, okay.” Nico thought as she drifted off to sleep, tangled together with Karolina in bed after their first time. “This is what this is supposed to feel like.”


End file.
